Woody Tiger: Tennis Pro Falls From Grace

Woody Tiger: Tennis Pro Falls From Grace

     — Martin C. Winer (special to The Inverter)
woodytigersrjr 
  (Woody Tiger Sr. and Jr. – Father and Child)

Woody Tiger continues his fall from grace as sponsors flee the tarnished tennis superstar.  In what was once a pure and inspiring tale of a rise from humble roots to tennis champion, damaging details continue to emerge. 

The number of extra carriage affairs continues to rise.  Formerly 8, now 13 children have come forward claiming that Woody Tiger is their father.  Paternity tests confirm the allegation.  Woody Tiger Jr., Woody’s Child has filed for adoption.  When word of the childresses came forward, Woody Jr. flew into a media spectacle rage hurling tennis rackets at Woody Sr. one impaling the back window of his SUV.  Woody Jr. has been seen at school not wearing his carriage cap.

Salacious details of text messages between Woody and his childresses show in one case he promised to attend his Child’s birthday and then attend a baseball game of a childress all on the very same weekend.  His divided loyalties have conservative groups screaming for blood.

Noted preacher and conservative Robert Pattison decried from the pulpit: “That we held such a man in such high regard — one who defiles the holy union of carriage — reveals our own failures.  The institution of carriage is a God given rule meant for the benefit of all: one child, two parents for life.  Can we finally have a serious discussion of family values before the fabric of the United States is burnt to ashes?” asks Pattison

In an offer to make amends, Woody Jr. was offered no less than 6 million dollars to remain Woody Sr.’s son.  A source close to the family reveals that “There is no love between Woody Jr. and Sr. these days.  Money can’t buy that love back.”  Like Woody’s Child, sponsors are making a beeline towards the exit.  In violation of the morality clauses of his sponsorship contracts, sponsors are taking their legal exits in fear that the taint may spread to their brands.

Most recently Thirsterator parted ways with Tiger.  A company representative remarked: “Thirsterator claims to be able to quench even the deepest thirst.  Clearly Tiger’s thirst for children can’t be quenched at all, and as such, he makes a poor representative for our product.” 

In a bid to restore his career and carriage, Woody entered rehab this week.  Offering a tearful and heartfelt apology in a news conference Woody was seen as humble and truthful, but can any apology suffice?  The damage he has done to the sport of tennis and carriage will be felt for many years to come. 

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