Jesse seemed much more relaxed upon our exit from his house. He was still very surprised to see me. I had forgotten my troubles for the past half hour while I visited with his family. In fact, their hospitality reminded me very much of the tea gatherings I would have with my parents after a momentous occasion: the prom nights being one such occasion. His look of surprise reminded me of why I had come in the first place. I came right out with it.
“I think Bram is cheating on me”. His face revealed a pot pourri of emotions. The one I picked up on clearly was his caring for me.
“Are you sure?” He was just as doubtful as I was at first. I was actually still waiting final confirmation from Jesse’s testimony.
“Well, you were there. Remember the movies on Tuesday night?” I asked hoping that there was still a rational explanation that Jesse could provide which would absolve Bram of any wrong doing. Jesse thought back,
“Yes, I saw Bram’s car there … It was a double feature that night and my friends and I had all bought popcorn” I had no patients for listening to any of his tangents at the moment. Although, I wondered if this was a tangent or him trying to avoid hurting me by coming straight out with it. I prodded him saying,
“Yah, never mind all that, did you see Bram?” He had a look as though he had been cornered. He answered delicately,
“He was the third car over. I didn’t couldn’t see much, the windows were all fogged up … I just assumed it was you he was with.” I was furious.
“Well it wasn’t! I was out baby sitting, obviously so was he.” I was referring to the fact that Betty was Bram’s junior by three years. Sure she was pretty enough, but if I was to be usurped I wanted it to be at least by someone who was in my grade or older. What a shame it would be on my head. At the time I was just considering how it would look to everyone else. I couldn’t say that I was so in love with Bram that my heart would beat cold in his absence.
“He wasn’t your type anyways” Jesse added trying to comfort me. Much to his surprise, his words didn’t have the desired effect. I am sure he was just trying to be nice and compassionate to me, but I wasn’t in the mood to be comforted.
“Oh really and what exactly would my type be?” I pronounced angrily. Throughout our life together, Jesse always accused me of, occasionally, when I was in a bad mood or just a little bored with life, trying to pick a fight. I never liked that accusation much. I though he was just devaluing my feelings at the time. However, looking back on this one specific example, he probably was right; I’ll grant him that much, but just this once. I was in the mood for a good argument. It let me vent of steam. Unfortunately, Jesse was far too patient to oblige.
“Your type would be someone who truly loves you and cares for you. You, and not just the way you look.” I had to think about that for a long time. It wasn’t the response I was expecting. I was just hoping for something more argumentative which would allow for a heated debate, during which I could blow off some steam. I calmed down and realized that I didn’t want to argue with Jesse anyways. It wasn’t fair to take my frustrations out on my friend. I decided to direct my frustrations to a much more generalized target.
“Why are men so sleazy?” ‘Sleazy’ was just a variation on ‘scum’ and I realize now that I was just as guilty then as the women I hear today who say “men are scum”. In trying to redirect my anger to all men, it occurred to me that I still was offending Jesse who was of course, a man.
“Why are most women so shallow?” Jesse responded with a generalization of his own. His voice wasn’t argumentative though. He wasn’t trying to egg me on or simply retaliate but melancholy voice led me to believe that not only did he believe what he was saying but, he was upset by it. At least in his generalization he had used the modifier ‘most’. In so doing, there was some hope to his statement. If only ‘most’ women were shallow to Jesse, there had to be some who weren’t. I didn’t respond to him right away. We just continued our walk. We were far into the forest behind Jesse’s house before conversation resumed. Finally I responded to the rhetorical question Jesse had asked before.
“So, you think all women are shallow” I replaced ‘all’ with ‘most’ trying to see if I could get him to take a firmer stand which I could argue against.
“I think a lot of women are shallow” he corrected. I tried another line of argument,
“Do you think that men are sleazy then”. I still hoped for an argument of some sort, although, I promised myself, I wouldn’t take it out on Jesse directly.
“I think a large number of men have their problems too.” Trying to get him to be more specific I said,
“Yes, and what would those problems be”. He contemplated his answer for a very long time. I could see he had a long answer for me. I felt an analogy coming on.
“Have you ever seen a herd of deer?” I was right, another analogy was coming my way. I did want to hear his answer though so I obliged,
“Yes of course I have.” Deer were common to the woods and plains that of our town. They were quite a sight to see. In fact I sometimes watched them for hours on the nature hikes I took the previous summer.
“Well then you have seen deer antlers.” I couldn’t wait to see what deer antlers had to do with anything. He continued with my answer.
“Deer antlers have only one purpose, to compete with other males and attract females.” His hands started to waive wildly trying to add meaning to his analogy.
“And?…” I asked waiving my hands mimicking his,
“So, female deer will look for male deer with the largest antlers, and male deer will use those antlers to compete for the best grazing territory and the largest number of matings with the choicest looking female dear.” In what was a surprise to myself as much as it was to Jesse, I actually predicted where he was going with this analogy. I tried my version of the completion of this analogy to see if it matched with what Jesse was trying to get across.
“So the more popular a guy is, the larger his ‘antlers’ are?”
“Exactly!” Jesse was so pleased that he had gotten through. He added a few details of his own,
“Females are attracted to this because large antlers means that the male was healthy enough to produce them. Further, with these large antlers, the male undoubtedly one many competitions with other males. So, she can enjoy in the best grazing grounds and ensure the best for her children.”
“And what do the males get out of this arrangement?” I asked wanting to hear more.
“Males with the largest antlers get the largest number of matings. They get to have the largest influence over the herd by fathering the most children.” He had finished his analogy but I still didn’t quite have all the pieces.
“So, what’s so wrong with that? It sounds like it works just fine for both the males and the females.” He continued, but he wasn’t frustrated by my lack of understanding. My previous understanding of part of his analogy gave him hope that I would soon understand all of it.
“It does work just fine for the deer. It also worked just fine for humans, up until only recently in our history on the planet.” He paused, considering his next few sentences before continuing.
“We used to have a similar system. Replace ‘social status’ with antlers for the males, but women” he added quickly “still relied on beauty as a show of their fitness for mating.” I helped him out a little,
“So, women were attracted to the most popular guys in their pack or whatever it was right?”
“Yes.” he said hopefully.
“And for the guys, they looked to mate with as many women as possible. So what was so wrong with that?”
“Nothing” he replied quickly. I wasn’t expecting that answer. He carried on,
“For the females, the ones who got the highest ranking males did get the best food and the best homes for their children, and the most popular men in turn, attracted the most females and were able to pass on their healthy bodies, by inheritance, to most of the group’s children. Now, imagine…” he pause for effect “that had been going on for countless generations, and you begin to understand that his arrangement must somehow have become ingrained.”
“But you still haven’t told me what is wrong with this arrangement in the first place.” I was getting a little frustrated. He answered slowly,
“The problem is occurs when you try to apply that ancient mating situation to life today. You see … women still look for the most popular male and males look to have sex as often and as much as possible with the most attractive females they can get because to a large degree we’re born that way. The funny thing, or really the dangerous thing is that ultimately, neither thing will necessarily lead to a person’s happiness. Going after and attaining popular guys will not necessarily lead to an enjoyable relationship. And going after the most number of attractive girls won’t necessarily please a guy in the end.” He added with a slight lilt of comedy in his voice “well, sometimes it takes guys a good few years to realize this, if ever. But actually, the same goes for girls.” I wanted to make sure I had his idea exactly right so I offered to summarize on his behalf.
“So, girls will go after guys who are the most popular, or have the most money or the nicest car … stuff like that … and guys will try to have sex with the as many of the prettiest girls they can get. But in both cases, this instinct that we are born with, makes us look at things which wont necessarily lead to our ultimate happiness?” I stopped walking and looked at Jesse. I couldn’t believe I had just said such a profound thing. He had helped me explore a part of my soul which I hadn’t up until that moment known existed. It was the primordial part of my soul which, as Jesse would have put it, I was ‘ingrained with’. It was amazing what was under the surface of my soul when I reached in and looked. I questioned occurred to me,
“So, Bram cheated on me because he was trying to sow his wild oats?”
“Pretty much … yes.” he answered hesitating at first to confirm my theory.
“Why bother going out with me in the first place. Why have girlfriends and wives, why not just have sex all the time?” I asked.
“It gets a little more complex than that…” he looked at me and realized that he had filled my quota of philosophical discussion for that day. He sought to provide me with a quick answer.
“The final part of this system, is that human children took so much time and effort that it absolutely required that both parents take an active role in caring for the child. So, nature ingrained an urge in all of us to pair off together and take care of each other and our family. But, at the same time, we still have the other urges of attraction which we talked about before. It makes for an interesting combination.” It certainly did make for an ‘interesting’ combination and I was currently suffering due to that combination.
“So basically, you are saying we are born screwed up?” I qualified that with “at least a little that is.” He smiled at my simplification of the problem. He corrected me,
“It’s not so much screwed up but more we are born with the tools nature equipped us with to deal with a situation which no longer exists; a time of pack like existence and living off the land. We are in a transitional phase right now. We are moving towards a more intellectual, or spiritual phase, even though it might not seem like it. Our systems of mating still are vestiges of a time when we were barely sentient. It’s no wonder that there are so many problems between men and women.”
“So, what do we do about the problem?” I asked almost tragically, not expecting an answer.
“The problem is that too many people ask ‘what to do’ about the problem when they should be asking what the problem is in the first place. Many more people need to have discussions like the one we just had, and come to realize where our ingrained weaknesses lie. Only after we all realize what the problem is in the first place, will we be able to consider a solution to it.”
I realized then that if one were to split wisdom into two equal parts, the first part would be the ability to answer all sorts of complex questions. The second would be knowing which questions to ask in the first place.
“But, you’ve explained your theory to me. I don’t know if I agree with you entirely, but now that I do know what you are talking about, what do I do?” He didn’t seem upset that I didn’t agree with him completely. Truthfully, I simply required more time to consider what he said.
“The simple answer is that if you understand what the source of the problem is, it takes conscious effort to avoid it in your life. Just bare it in your mind when you think of who choose who you want to date. Ask yourself, why you are attracted to this person and if the answer comes back sounding like any of the reasons we mentioned, you are likely headed for trouble. To be perfectly honest, after you recognize the problem, it just takes work.” It was a very honest answer. When I discussed problems with my other friends they just listened to me and just told me to follow my heart. I imagine it must have taken Jesse a lot more courage than that, to tell me that I was wrong. He didn’t say it in so few words. He wrapped it gently in his long drawn out analogy, but I knew the message was there nonetheless. He was telling me that I was going for the wrong guys and for the wrong reasons. He managed, successfully, however, to tell me in such a way that I was barely offended. The wind and the trees were the only witnesses to our discussions that afternoon. It was a beautifully private talk amongst friends. We continued our walk for several hours after, mostly in silence as his message to me sunk in.
